Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Spinners, Gammon and a Sedan Chair

With the England team eschewing the chance to herald the disappointment of another early exit from a major international football competition tournament via the medium of song. This house has decided to buck the trend and will herald each chunk of impending disappointment with it's own anthem. Yes that's right, after a three year quest to secure a replacement for the over-rated Nicholas Chiantrelli Trio, our quest is now complete. We have found our new house band.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you

The Detroit Spinners:

Welcome aboard chaps, I look forward to working with you in the coming months.

Through with the theme tune we shall now attend to the meat of the business and an explanation of my movements throughout the preceding week.

Well it's all gone very green. Grass is remarkably lush and trees have assumed a sheen only present at this time of year. Conker trees are candled up and on bank holiday Monday Madam and myself kicked back in the garden with a glass of grown up Rose (for which we give great thanks) and burnt meat, only to be moved on by a swarm of bees passing through in search of a summer billet. The frost that we experienced during the first week of May doesn't seem to have been too catastrophic with the Wisteria now in full bloom,

Here's one of a specimen of twenty years that we must endure when we open the bedroom curtains in the morning. It came from Cornwall and seems to have settled well here.

The fruit trees are beginning the business of sorting the set fruit from the unset and it is becoming clear which ash trees we will have to target next winter in the drawn out battle to conquer ash die back disease. Fishing has been fair, but two weeks into the season most fish have gained a GCSE or two when it comes to differentiating between a natural fly and an artificial.

A fish of six pounds was returned in the opening week. A large hen fish the like of which we have not seen for a few years. She was in pristine condition and had obviously been in the river for some while. Why she decided to up sticks and pitch up here is anyone's guess, but she seems to be fairly settled now. The mayfly are delaying their entry with only a few seen during the day although there are reports that the mayfly have been about for a week or so on the middle main river.

Attending to the tree that fell across the Mill Stream proved eventful with the whole thing shifting position several times during dissection which added a certain frisson to proceedings.

Today ranunculus flowered in this river in May for the first time in four years.
And at this point can we remind ourselves what ranunculus requires to thrive and of its importance to invertebrate life in the chalk stream environment.

Well, it needs fast flowing water and highly oxygenated at that. An absence of algae and plenty of light are also preferable. I won't put up the photo of the field known across the ages as "Spring Bottom", but take it as read that it continues to be "sans spring". We are not experiencing exceptional discharges for this river, just what was to be expected ten years ago. The last three years have been very dry in these parts and aquifers became seriously depleted. It's just a shame that those charged with protecting the environment, or those who rely on it as a natural resource to generate income (yes, those weasels) didn't seem to notice, or at the very least make much mention of the fact during the past three summers. Donning the "buyer beware" crown of office it is during conditions such as these when the guard is down regarding depleted aquifers that we hear the cough and"ahem" from the corner of the aforementioned weasels and worms and the enquiry sotte voce

" now about all this water that seems to be sloshing around, well we'd like a little more please"

Apologies, I'll break off there.

I've just noticed that the "Alt" button is on the left hand side of the keyboard on my computer.

Will I have to move this button to the other side of the keyboard when we break away from Europe?

Oh yes, all this business about the use of the word Gammon as an insult is puzzling.

Harry Flashman and Bertie Wooster had a completely different take on the word that confuses the issue further.

Once again, what times we live in,

I'm with Flashie, Bertie and The Butcher regarding the word. I don't mind a bit of gammon. A Berni Inn special with a ring of pineapple, Serrano Ham, Proscuitto, Speck and heck even the occasional piece of obfuscation and jolly scheming in order to keep social events bouncing along.

Well I think we covered all bases there, so troll away please if you feel so inclined. I'll be over here with a swelling number of people waiting to step forward rubbing hands together to state "If you lot over there have quite finished and you lot over there have quite finished" We'll try and restore some normal service now that the fever has passed. As stated previously, troll away, troll away, troll away.

In other news we have just secured the services of another black labrador. As yet unamed and currently five weeks old he is not from the same line as Otis or Zebo but his parents are of a similar build. Discussions are underway over a name with the following list discounted already

Blondie - after 80's pop group Blondie
Hazel - after 80's TV detective Hazel played by Trevor Eve
Trevor Eve - Star of 80's detective series the title of which I forget.
Howard Moon - The Mighty Boosh
Dixon Bainbridge - The Mighty Boosh
Stephen Toast - Voiceover work and occasional actor

And finally,

I've been called to the bar. A wig, cape and some of those Persian slippers that curl up at the end have been purchased as the internet reliably informs me that this is what Judges wear although their shoes are rarely seen. A sedan chair (see left) will arrive each morning to carry me to court.

Jury service is imminent. Rachel was called up a few years ago and is the font of all knowledge regarding the market for crack cocaine among local town society.

Kinder Update:

Child A - Maisie, engaged with the forces of DIY while renovating a smashing two up two down terrace in Kingsclere, it even has three yards of chalk stream at the bottom of the garden.

Child B - William, engaged with the forces of a small camper van driving around New Zealand with two mates occasionally bothering trout. With the wind in the right direction we occasionally pick up their scent across the ten thousand mile divide.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Data Protection and Bagging Up on Amber Rudd

G'day everyone, did I mention that we'd been to Australia?

I did?

Ok, well there is still much to discuss on the matter but on this occasion I shall refrain so here's some parish messages.

With a nod to the current cult of Data Protection can all readers confirm that they arrived at this place of their own accord, nothing has been forced upon them or suggestions been made by way of spam email or leaflets through the post and there has been no mention of PPI or an offer made of marriage from the east.

Terms and conditions may/may not apply but things do seem to be getting a tad complicated with regard to chucking up guff.

Sign on the dotted line if you agree with the aforementioned and are happy/ resigned to peruse this nonsense further.


Data protection box ticked we shall now attend to recent events and the state of play for the impending trout fishing season.

With jetlag finally conquered (did I mention that we'd been away?) Exploits in the name of left foot right foot in order to prolong life have resumed. We seem to have developed a worrying propensity to turn a planned five miler into something nearer eight but there are worse places to bumble about blindly than the beeches and bluebells of Micheldever wood.

Four and a bit miles a little closer to home this weekend and at this point I'd ask you all to prepare yourselves for what some corners of the media would call a "reveal" Also known as a "revelation" I can reveal that it hasn't been as wet a winter as many are making out.

Or if it has been an unusually wet winter, the aquifers at the end of last summer were depleted way beyond what some would have us believe.

Yes the Fake News, and phoney figures have been a particular bugbear in this parish with regard to a variety of subjects so at this point we will assess the state of play by examining the actualite.

Here's one of Madam and Otis on the Common on Sunday afternoon. It is a path we have trodden for twenty six years. We find it very soothing as we are confident in the route and rarely get lost. At this point there is a fork in the road. Right leads through some boggy bits where springs should rise at this time of year, the world's worst spaniel got stuck in one once. To the left leads to slightly higher ground that the world's worst spaniel subsequently sought out on later visits no matter the time or year.

Today we swung right and made passage with ease.

Here's one of us cresting the summit of Postman's walk. We've walked this way before on recently cultivated fields and exited several inches taller with half the field stuck to our boots.

Today our cleats remained relatively free of organic matter.

and on the water meadow upstream, lambs gyre and gimble in the wabe with little fear of foot rot.

And then there is this field known across the ages as "Spring bottom" which has featured on here many times of late.

It remains spring free despite the "wet winter" touted in some quarters.

I could go on, and yes the river is in fine condition, but if the winter has been as wet as some are making out, the aquifers must have been depleted beyond what the same bunch had us believe over the past few years.

I'll leave it there, and just be thankful that the river is bank high and pushing through nicely. and well done the what used to be known as a "normal" winter for that.

The bridge is complete and Photoshop has levelled it up nicely. It was a steady job that took just over a week with materials for construction stored on higher ground a bit further away than one would normally have liked. Consequently The to-and-fro was increased by a factor of five and probably added a day or two to the job. Banks are decidedly squidgy and wellingtons are the footwear of first choice for the angler, as it should be at this time of the year. A brace of Great Egret flew by last week. Little Egret are a given in this valley but their blown up cousins are a little more rare. Roughly the size of a Heron they always seem a little short of confidence and are often moved on by a resident Heron or a couple of crows.

I'll just break off there.

Didn't pet shops used to sell Amber Rudd?

Or was it Golden Rudd?

It's one of the two but I remember bagging up on Amber/Golden Rudd in a match on a small estate lake when I was a student living and working on the middle main river.


Trout Fishing has just broken out in these parts with a brace of three pound fish already in the book albeit in chilly conditions. What hawthorn there were went early and the hatch was done and dusted late last week but the fish still know what they are. Olives are about and the vanguard of the Mayfly are on the cusp of entering stage left.

Everything is waking up and and all manner of creatures creep about the place, It's a terrific time of the year to be bumbling about in this special valley.

With another campaign medal earned orange saws briefly basked in two stroke valhalla before a substantial ash tree cashed in its chips and to lie prone across the Mill Stream. It's not causing any obstruction but it will have to be dealt with next week. The logs will be welcome but it always feels a little odd putting on the super warm chainsaw troos to tackle a tree which was on the cusp of bursting into life.

It was reported last week that aquifers in the Vosges in the North East of France were being put under pressure by over abstraction, principally by bottled water business in the town of Vittel.

Bottled water by the way is not bound by the rules that dictate Cornish Pasties and Melton Mowbray pies must come from the actual place they are named after. I once worked at a large trout hatchery with a million gallons a day of spring water bursting out of the ground that was purchased by Perrier because the water roughly matched the analysis of the water at the original Perrier spring.

Vittel are now having to seek another source for some of their water because the town is fast running dry and some of the stunning streams in the Jura are being impacted upon.

We walked their limestone banks a decade or so ago when children were children. The spectacular waterfalls will live long in the memory as will the hatch of olives and the numerous rises on a break abroad sans rods in the boot.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Emu and The Wraith of Tony Hart

If memory serves a TV frog once proclaimed that "it's not easy being green"

Before the wrong end of the stick is selected and we assume another examination of the Cove Gove and his latest push for the top job. The green I refer to is the injection of chlorophyl that currently surges through the turf in these parts and the verdant ranunculus that will need cutting in April for the first time in five springs and well done the winter rain for that.

Apologies Kermit (Jim Henson's creation not the Cove Gove) but it's very easy being green in this valley. I'll refrain from mentioning Oz again, but while we were basking in two weeks of sun the aquifers of old Albion seemed to have received some serious replenishment.

The Dever is bank high and there are some spots that may be inaccessible to anglers in the opening weeks of the season. There is an oft quoted downstream keeper of no little venerability who insists that we have only had enough winter rain if you have to think twice about driving around the meadows in your 4x4. Well today I got in a tight spot with the tractor and trailer and if all it takes to make it rain in these parts is for Madam and myself to undertake long haul flights and live high on the hog on the other side of the world then I propose a crowd funding page to send the pair of us away for a fortnight sometime next March.

It's a cross we are prepared to bear for the good of the river and sufficient aquifer replenishment.

By the way, this:

Hosah! water in the spring ditch by the football pitch.

But despite what some would describe as a "wet winter" still no sign of any eau in the field known across the ages as "Spring Bottom"

Chronic depletion of the aquifers anyone?

Been building a bridge for much of the week. Replacing one I built in 1995 a few months after William was born. I find that I banged posts into the ground with a little more vigour when I was 27 and these replacements may not have gone into the gravel quite as far as they did 23 years ago so if we could all agree to break step and cross fingers during each crossing.

I am chucking up this guff in the garden replete having devoured a fine repast of locally sourced red meat.

Sourced that is from the barbecue that rises again each Easter from the garage to provide us with a festival of meat and fish.

I have just heard a cuckoo for the first time this year. A few weeks later than one would expect, but a cuckoo all the same. No sign of any swallows, swifts or martins yet although I have seen hawthorn flies bumbling about in the recent warm spell and was inundated with alder flies landing on posts I was banging into the riverbed. I may have squished the odd one so apologies to the Invertebrate gods who may reiprocate via the medium of horse fly later in the year.

Our resident pair of swans currently nurture their egg and are increasingly protective of their prospective charge. The Cob spent much of yesterday lunchtime raging against the scaffold tower I had positioned in the river to aid my building of bridges. Charging it every five minutes with wings held wide, he may share my affliction of myopia.

Grayling have appeared on the shallows and with a reasonable depth of water, have gone about the business of spawning unnoticed by heron and egret who do great damage in times of low water. Some seriously senior hen fish of over two pounds have been kicking up on the ford through the Mill Stream.

In other news, Lord Ludgershall has added to the house menagerie.

Here's one of an Emu tapping at the door of the Orangery attached to the East wing at Ludgershall Hall. I know it's an Emu because our guide pointed one out to us on our recent trip to Oz (did I mention we'd been away?).

Dodos are promised, along with a Pushmepullyou and Griffon to further bolster the collection of wildlife at Ludgershall Hall.

Apologies about the unusual appearance of the photos in this post.

Setting S was accidentally selected on the idiot proof camera while it was bouncing about in the back of my trailer, or it may still be something to do with jet lag.

No matter, setting S it is and S stands for "gloom" on planet Nikon so I have had to fill in the colours on the computer.

Derek Acorah confirms that the wraith of Tony Hart approves of such work.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Two weeks around the World, Come on Jules Verne, Up Your Game!

Apologies everyone but I've once again donned the travel kaftan and Madam has picked up the guitar of transition.

We've been away again and this report could take some time.

Oz for Easter,

Dress Code: Sports Casual

and a land where they put salt and vinegar crisps in a pink packet

which seems the work of a troublemaker and causes a cove to assume the status of "buyer beware"

We were in to Melbourne to visit William and his Pals who are in hiatus having recently completed their cricket season and are two weeks away from driving a camper van around New Zealand.

Ethiad bumped us down gently in Tullamarine at 5.00 am on a Saturday morning where we received word from the carefully booked taxi that he would be with us in twenty four hours, as I had apparently made a mistake regarding dates. Sixty five bucks (yes, they call money bucks) to a man in yellow taxi got us to our billet in Southbank a twenty minute walk from most things including William's flat in South Yarra.

And at this point can I address what is one of the last medical taboos.

ME and Mumps get all the heat when it comes to debilitating conditions, but why are there no support groups or treatment centres for Jetlag?

We'd been advised to push on through the first day and try to eat and sleep at normal local time.

Madam's clever watch recorded twenty four thousand steps during our opening skirmishes in Melbourne but I can only remember half of them so dazed was my state.

We ate in the evening with William and his mates and when I sat down in our apartment with a postprandial glass of grog an hour later my head fell off my shoulders and wine went all over the floor, I then fell asleep cleaning my teeth.

The following day was Easter Sunday and the clocks went back an hour in the night further confusing the body clock. We caught the tram to St Kilda for lunch or possibly breakfast.

where there were penguins pelicans and lots of hipsters treading the boardwalk and beach.

Easter Monday found us attending "The G" or the MCG as it used to be known for an AFL game between The Hawthorn Hawks and The Geelong Cats.

Each team enters the field to a team song plucked from an episode of It ain't half hot mum or possibly Monty Python

The G wasn't quite full but a few shy of 75,000 enjoyed an exciting game that ended 118 - 117 to The Hawks.

I won't pretend we knew what was going on for much of the game, an awful lot of what the late great Bill Mclaren would have termed "argy bargy" went on off the ball which didn't seem to bother the nine or ten match officials required to cover what is a rough game on a very big field.

National Gallery of Victoria next. A free gig a five minute walk from our front door, it is a tremendous place to spend half a day.

From the wonderfully whacky, through the Ming and the Qing to the European stuff from many ages, it is very well done. Sprinkled with blockbusters, cleverly mingled rather than put on a stage with fanfare and lights, it is remarkably unstuffy.

The contemporary stuff was all that one would expect although sometimes it was difficult to equate the artist's meaning of the piece with what was placed before us. We seemed to be doing all the heavy lifting for the Japanese artist who took the credit for the interior of a house adorned with red chrysanthemums. Each person who entered was given a red chrysanthe to stick somewhere on the piece. Is this conceptual art? If it is, it seems nice work if you can get it.

Tucked in a corner was a Rembrandt of an old man that once adorned the front cover of a Ladybird book on Dutch artists. A Picasso of a distraught woman pulled from his much bigger piece Guernica popped up and there standing full square was Elizabeth Thompson's work depicting the remnants of the 28th at Quatre Bas repelling Marshall Ney's Cuirassiers which feature's in many books, TV programmes and articles on the battle of Waterloo. I had no idea it was this far from home.

The Melbourne Comedy Festival was underway throughout our stay and we met up with William and a couple of mates to take in David O'Doherty in the Forum Theatre. A small venue, we were aware of his work having seen him before in Vicar St in Dublin. This was the opening of his next tour that will be in the UK later this year. Catch him if you can, he's very good.

On the tram to the regenerated Docklands next with William and his friend Rosie. The Docklands are everything that Ocean Village in Southampton wanted to be bar the swarms of jellyfish. The walk back along the river was undertaken in high heat (did I mention it was in the mid to high twenties for most of our stay) with lunch taken outside. Madam and myself headed home mid afternoon as we were due to catch an early morning plane to Sydney the following day.

The taxi cleverly booked to take us to Tullamarien airport had arrived twenty four hours early so another booking was made and with the Freeway being dug up we were the last people to check in for the hour long flight to Syders.

Down to Darling Harbour first for a bit of a bumble about before catching the ferry round the corner and under the bridge to Circular Quay and the site of the first footfall of chancers and ne'r do wells back in the 1700s.

Off the ferry and a close inspection of an Opera house that was not quite the colour that I expected before hiking round to Mrs Macackers corner ( I think that's her name) pausing briefly for coffee, before taking in one of the best views of the bay.

Back through the stunning Botanical gardens to the centre of town where there is some seriously swanky shopping to be had, along with some stunning late Victorian shopping arcades.

There are some lovely green spaces in Sydney but they do like a sign. Warning of Tree failure seemed a little extreme, isn't this what trees do?

A branch not much thicker than my arm fell off a Mentholyptus tree outside our apartment and the road was closed and the Fire service summoned.

A bit different to the response a fallen branch in Bransbury receives.

Kangaroo fillet for dinner in Darling Harbour with Dumbledore's pensieve for a side show, but for Fawkes the Phoenix, read ladies in scanties pushing some pretty average chocolate.

It was clever stuff with much smoke and mirrors with the odd light thrown in and might be something we should think about incorporating on the River Dever.

In high heat we rode train and bus to Bondi the next morning to touch base with Kertbox et al.

For those unaware of their work or who do not have CBS Reality TV Channel, it's a programme starring the Waverley Council Life Guards of which Madam and William have long been big fans.

In perfect conditions I had a go at surfing and it seemed to go well.

Madam's day was capped by the blue board being invoked to perform a rescue in some waves that are bit bigger in real life than on the TV. We identified backpacker's rip and walked around to Tamaramarama beach for lunch before heading back into central city to catch a train to the airport and a flight back to Melbourne.

Back in Melbourne we gave up on the taxi service and hired a car for five days.

South Melbourne market in the morning

before a closer examination of the stunning Botanical gardens in the heart of this city.

Less formal than the Sydney botanical gardens there are many informative signs

with some sensible messages regarding water and managing habitat to improve biodiversity in billabongs.

but calling Invertebrates Minibeasts?

Out in the car the following day. Passing within a mile of Neighbours' Ramsey St and Patterson Lakes, the setting for the brilliant "Kath & Kim"

we made our way along Mornington Peninsula to Rye where our blankets were laid on the beach and we dipped bread into some excellent dainties purchased from a hip deli in Elwood.

Aussie Rules Football practice to follow where we were joined by a portly labrador who kept rushing into the sea to shake his head underwater. The beach was stunning and quiet with loads of space for both budding "footy" players and many dogs.

Early afternoon we transferred to Blairgowrie. Rye is a gentle sea within the Melbourne lagoon, Blairgowrie is on the ocean side and the waves are fresh in from the Southern Ocean and have a little more momentum behind them. We walked through some scrub to a beach where Rachel used skills acquired at Calshot to clamber down and up cliffs to a stunning beach where there are high rocks that the younger generation are drawn to jump off into a messy sea.

The weather can change quite quickly here, clouds rolled in mid afternoon so we repaired to Arthur's Mount a country park on top of a high hill,

to use the municipal barbecues. Chef cooked a selection of snags sourced from a cricket club contact who is a supplier of meat.

The view of the peninsula was stunning and we saw numerous birds from Eagles to Cockatiels

and bumped into our first live Kangaroos.

Back in the car to join the hoards from downtown Melbourne who spend the weekend on the peninsula for an hour and a half drive up the freeway.

Turns out it was "Take your parents to work" day in Melbourne the following day,

Madam got to go on the photocopier and I got to send a fax.

Back in the car, we headed up the Yarra valley to a winery growing grapes introduced in the the 1850's from a region of Italy we were bumbling about in this time last year.

We made a purchase and it was very nice, but it's all gone now.

Out to Yarra Glen next and up through the Christmas Hills where there was no sign of Santa

but we came across the Kangaroo Garden war memorial

which afforded a peach of a view back to Melbourne and quite a story about the original curator who somehow made it through most of the major battles of the first world war. He planted the Rosemary bushes around the base of the tower with seeds he gathered at Gallipoli.

Back in the white Pantechnicon that serves as an everyday car in these parts to hit the Great Ocean Rd and an appointment with a beachside apartment in Apollo Bay.

It's a spectacular drive with the road hugging the coast for fifty miles or more. There were many surfers and also the remnants of a Rip curl event with stands and marquees clinging to the cliffs in order to take in the world class froth, carve and bings (contemporary surf parlance I believe) in the surf below.

Lunch by the sea at Lorn, or was it Larn?

No matter, further down the coast road on a brief bladder break we ticked another box with a couple of Koalas up a nearby mentholyptus tree along with parakeets, cockatiels and a great egret on the River Kennet.

Not quite as clear as the Berkshire stream at home but brim full of fish all the same, although akin to its Berkshire namesake there are trout to be targeted in its headwaters, and at this point I could go expand on the argument for non native species that are not invasive, but will refrain, as I appreciate that this chunk of guff is assuming Ken Dodd proportions.

We demolished various bits of lamb, chicken and local sausage on the barbecue having failed to harvest anything from the sea after an hour or so fishing.

A surprise thunderstorm forced us to put the carbon rods away on the cusp of "bagging up" on Australian salmon and flatheads.

Up and out of Apollo Bay to the Otway peninsula. A National Park brim full of wildlife with beautiful walks and beaches and silent bar the native twitterings of birds various that we completely failed to identify.

According to the internet, Koala sleep for twenty hours a day and today we saw several up and about feeding, so we consider ourselves quite lucky.

The walk to Crayfish bay calmed Madam's fitbit following a prolonged period of chauffer service. Pitching up on the sands we had the place pretty much to ourselves. There were many interesting things in among the rocks including some micro mussels and funny starfish, some very big waves and it is a place that we will remember for a long time.

Back on the road past a kangaroo who had clearly been a member of the Tufty Club and was making preparations to carefully cross the road, to drive back up the Great Ocean Road (and it is great) pausing briefly for lunch at a craft beer place (they're big on "craft" beer in these parts) to Melbourne.

Spent the last two days bumbling about Melbourne shops and kicking back in the hot tub and pool

before a final meal together and our flights home.

It's a tremendous city to visit.

It would be interesting to return in ten years time to see how the rapid expansion that is currently underway has progressed.

Fourteen hours on a plane got us to Abu Dhabi where we spent two hours before a seven hour flight back to Blighty. Two hours into phase two of our journey as we were passing over the Middle East, we received word that Donald, Makro and May,finest purveyors of arms and ordnance, had set off a few missiles in the immediate vicinity and could we head east for a bit, which added a certain frisson to the flying experience.

Touchdown complete we gave battle with the hopelessness that is the M25 and the marginally better M3 before arriving home and forming a pioneering support group for victims of Jetlag.

Thank you very much to the support group who filled in at home while we were away.

I seem to have gone on a bit, further river guff to follow.