Snowmageddon and Nuts up the Nose

Hello everybody and welcome to Snowmageddon.

They seem to be sexing the thing up with some seriously edgy names, but weren't "The Beast from the East" and "Storm Emma" WWF wrestlers back in the day?

No matter, it is a heavy fall of snow, that didn't used to be such an unusual event in early March, and while some now trumpet the first day of this month as the onset of spring I surmise that in all my years I have hurtled down a snow covered hill on whatever was available in the garage (currently a bespoke car roof box for a second generation Renault Scenic) more often in the Easter holidays than the Christmas holidays. I'm not sure it's an event that merits numerous " One Show Specials" with live reports of burst pipes and slippery pavements, but it is a proper winter event that will benefit flora and fauna who, in a mild winter, can sleep lightly and wake up prematurely. About twenty centimetres have fallen in this part of the valley, the wood burner has not been extinguished for three days and drifting snow has threatened to block the Entre and Sorte to the small cluster of houses that is Bransbury.

The chickens are a little bemused and the fish in the river revel in occupying the warmest spot in the valley as the air temperature has remained at or below freezing for the past seventy two hours.




It's a great time to take a walk and gaze at the ground and footprints that betray creatures that currently haunt the valley.

No sign of any otters or foxes which is tremendous news but there are a bevy of badgers in the Andyke and numerous roe deer and muntjac in the wood. This afternoon I was moving things around in the workshop and disturbed a juvenile grass snake hibernating beneath the bench, which was quite a surprise.

Regular visitors to this parish will know that punctuation and grammar are a struggle and occasionally the words are presented in the worng order with a colon surprise! So it may sound a little hypocritical if I call out a few for glaring mistakes in both the written and spoken word. The paper that I have read for the past twenty years, not for any political reason but for the quality of its sport section which was just about all William would read in his teenage years, happen to be the Daily Telegraph. The quality of the editing has taken a bit of a dip in recent times with spelling mistakes and sentences that don't make sense on the increase. Over on the radio I recently heard a current "goto guy" on all things sport describe Billy the bronze medal snowboarder as self depreciating.

Yes, Billy's getting smaller and smaller in front of our very eyes and it's all of his own volition.

Billy does have a self deprecating manner when it comes to humour.

While we are on sport on the radio, why do so many sports summarisers (former players mostly and I'm looking at you John Lloyd, James Taylor and Emily Rainford Bent) when packing for a tour abroad forget to pack sufficient quantities of the letter "t" and over estimate the number of the letter "d" they will need for the trip?

It's not vidally impordant but id todally geds on your dids a bid afder a while especially when coupled with a lack of done and adequate expression when delivering the sendence thad inevidably ends with a rising inflecdion.

It's the modern way I guess, and there may be some megalomaniac on a submersible island with a magic diction affecter ray at work somewhere out in the oceans and it at this point it may be apposite to discuss the next James Bond.

and at this point I'll break, as I think I've found out where all the letter "t's" have gone.

The excellent Jeremy Coney is working his way through them in commentary on the current one day series in New Zealand.

Anyway, back on the river,

Apologies, river in a mo.

My ear has just been caught by a programme that Madam is watching in the next room in which a three year old has "accidentally" put an almond up his nose.

You don't accidentally put almonds up your nose.

so let's not be hasty in dismissing this little guy as a crank, he may be some kind of seer/visionary and be on to something.

So come on everybody, get yourself an almond

a hazelnut may suffice,

but ffs! (contemporary parlance) don't do a coconut





Nuts up the nose, it's the future

You'll never feel more alive !





Oh yes, the river.

For the few days preceding the third Ice Age (as described by the Daily Suppress) we experienced an incredibly dry easterly wind which proved to be perfect conditions for burning fen and reed beds. Butterflies and things that buzz in the summer will be pleased as come august there will be substantial drifts of hemp agrimony and much more besides which are manna for such creatures that reside in a chalk valley. It also provides thick winter cover for game birds. The window for getting the reeds burnt is a narrow one between the end of the shooting season and before ground nesting birds hunker down to undertaking the business of producing an egg or two. Not the driest of windows but worth it if conditions are favourable.

We've planted numerous indigenous hardwood trees to fill in the gaps created by all the ones that fell over that now reside in various stashes of logs. All new trees have been staked and guarded against deer and rabbits. Deer will nibble a sapling at any time of the year, but at this time of the year with grass a bit thin on the ground rabbits will strip a tree of its bark to a height of eighteen inches.

Recent walks in the name of lengthening life have been local affairs as some weekend time has been allocated to erecting fences and gates at Maisie and Callum's house in Kingsclere.

We did venture out onto the Ridge two minutes drive from their house where many famous race horses have been put through their paces.

On the morning we traversed the ridge the sky was full of Red Kites and several counties were in view.

With regard to all things left foot, right foot, I have been selected for the Sport Relief Billion Steps a Day Challenge Team. It's a great honour and one long overdue given the fact that it has the word "Sport" in the title and it is a widely acknowledged fact that if Thierry Henry had been gifted my left foot he would have been complete.

I have promised to do as many steps a day as I can for Sport Relief, if you would like to make a donation please visit the following site

https://my.sportrelief.com/sponsor/TestValleyRiverkeeper

Oh yes, apologies about the special effects on some of the photos in the piece. Seems my clever camera isn't idiot proof after all and I clicked some special effect button by accident.

Might be time to dig out the old Pentax ME Super